If floors could talk, what stories they would tell
by heffy
Summary: Humorous fic: An day in the life of Hogwarts, from the perspective of an *genuine* oakwood floorboard. *features Snape.


If floors could talk...What stories they would tell.  
  
By Hannah-Freya Anderson  
  
"...But really, it was such an odd occurrence. One scarcely knows where to begin. Most obvious of course would be to start at the beginning, but then, I've always tended to view the world quite upside-down. So why should I start making sense now, hmm?  
  
You see, despite the position I hold in this world, and having more than ample opportunity to look up bloke's trousers, I am not so indecent as other members of my lineage.  
  
So, there I was, minding my own business, being every bit a law abiding, innocent creature, when suddenly this entire group of muggles fell straight through my sister Cassy and landed on top of me with a great thud. Cassy was most distressed, as you can well imagine. It's one thing for Sir Nicholas de Mimsy Poppington [the Gryffindor ghost] to have something fall through him, but it's another matter entirely if you're a piece of architecture."  
  
"I mean, to be disgraced in such a manner. A ceiling is supposed to be solid. Any self respecting ceiling is not supposed to be so fickle as to have things fall through it [only unstable structures do that].  
  
Of course I wouldn't have you blame Cassy, poor dear. She had no say in the matter. No I blame those muggles. They have no respect for architecture. My cousin Toby [he's a sidewalk in New York] informed me of the behaviour of muggles over there. Do you know what those muggles do, hmmm, do you? They have these sticky substances that they chew in their mouths, and then, and then they.... well, they spit them out. Anywhere! They just spit these substances out; no care whatsoever for the poor dear that it lands on. Toby was telling me just the other day about this nice young pavement slab [they've been courting for a while now]; she was just in the middle of speaking to her mother when someone spat this substance on her. She was most distressed. Oh! And the walls over there! I mean, yes there tends to be a rivalry between us floors floor and walls [they do after all get all the credit. They get special names: foundation walls, support walls, sayings after them. No one ever gives any thought to how we floors feel!], but nonetheless, we put our differences aside in the face of such horrendous crimes. Late at night, just as a wall was getting off to sleep [Toby heard this from Roger, who heard it from Jonesy, who's a friend of the poor wall in question] when all of a sudden he was coated in blue paint, shot out from some sort of cylinder object it did. No warning or anything! The poor dear thought he was just getting a new lick of paint to spruce up his colour, but come morning, Sven [a delightful Norwegian immigrant who saw fit to board with Bob, the floor and Raymond a cardboard box] saw fit to inform him that he'd been covered in some sort of unintelligent scrawl, of a language which I will NOT repeat.  
  
Dear, dear me. Yes, those muggles are a worry.  
  
Hmm? What's that? You'll have to speak up!  
  
Well of course you didn't "manage to catch my name". I didn't give it, now did I? Silly man. I'll have you know that I am a genuine Oakwood floorboard. 100 sickles per square meter.  
  
Such impudence! Anyhow. Now, what was I saying?...  
  
Well of course I was telling you about the group of people. Honestly. As if I need some snooty nosed auror telling me what I was talking about. I who was talking before even your great, great, great [and I'm not talking about fantastic] grandmother was a speck in the horizon. Rowena Ravenclaw herself selected me to be placed in this very spot in the great hall some ten hundred years passed. Show some respect!  
  
Hmm. That's better. Yes, you should be sorry indeed [I suppose I shall accept your apology].  
  
So, to continue. I was just nodding off to sleep when five or six people [well how should I know exactly how many there were? It was dark!] Quite fell through Cassy and on to me.  
  
They stood up, and brushed dust off themselves [obviously wherever they came from was dusty, because they certainly did NOT get it off my surface].  
  
They then proceeded in the most insipid and silly manner to argue about who's fault their "situation" was [no thought at all for how I felt, no apology. Nothing!].  
  
I was just about to ask them [most politely of course] to kindly get off me, when, quite promptly, they left. Took off down the hallway they did.  
  
Of course they ended up going into the potions lab [sally the desk informed me so the next morning].  
  
Apparently, they started lifting bottles up from the shelves and plonking them down any which way [much to the shelves annoyance]. Indeed it was so! A blatant disregard for private property. Of course, it was just then that Professor Snape walked in [I always recognize the shoes. They are, of course attached to Very nice legs] he saw them going through his things, and naturally assumed they were students [I remember hearing him deduct 50 points from Gryffindor and very courteously, I thought, given the circumstances, told them to leave].  
  
You would of course, expect them to be thankful [Snape could have hexed them quite easily]. Respectful of his authority at the very least. But, alas, muggles today. No respect. No respect at all. They actually started mocking him about his hair. [poor man, suffers from oil build up. Nothing one of his potions couldn't fix, he's very talented at potion making you know].  
  
I for one think his reaction to be perfectly acceptable, [or at least the reaction Sally told me about, but... well, you know, desks aren't the most reliable of sources].  
  
So... Tell me dear, indulge an old woman. How are you going to deal with the problem?  
  
Memory charm, yes. Well I suppose that's satisfactory. But what if the muggles actually work for you-know-who?? He can override a memory charm! [Just look at what happened to poor Bertha Jorkins] They may have been stealing documents! Do you know, my cousin Marissa was telling me just the other day about-  
  
Oh. You have to go. Pity.  
  
You must stop by again soon, I did so enjoy our little chat. You do have such lovely shoes. Lovely.  
  
Yes. Yes well.  
  
Ah! Jessica! Do you know, the most extraordinary thing just happened. A nice young auror was telling me. You-know-who is at it again! Mmmhmm. Yes, indeedy-doody! Yes, he knew someone who was a friend of someone who actually saw the whole thing...  
  
The end 


End file.
